9/11/11

As I was sitting down to try to write something in remembrance of 9/11 I kept feeling blocked. I don’t want to simply tell you what it was like to be there, across the street, when the first building’s walls rippled and blew shards of glass outward into the sky above my head.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind sharing what the experience was like or answering questions. Although sharing can sometimes be hard I think that being open about my experiences, even when they are traumatic, can help people learn and grow. Very little is learned in silence.

Sharing can also be hard because from the position of being the traumatized, the listeners reaction to the information can be irritating. With regards to my experience, while I believe we were all effected by that day it is hard for me to feel that someone who wasn’t there has a true understanding for my experience. Those who do really listen without judgment or expectation are the easiest to tell. Those who are the hardest to tell sparkle with interest in what they seem to hope will be arousing and sensationalist storytelling.

While remembering doesn’t make me sad or fearful, I know that it may affect you in an intense emotional way. Are you ready? Is that what you are looking for? So, I do respond to the questions, but I’d rather focus on the present than remember its conjunction with my past. The Now that is.

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This year, I started getting calls weeks in advance since I’ve experienced more time incapacitated by PTSD this year than any other year of my life next to the 12 months post 9/11. Because of their knowledge of this I’m not surprised when my friends and family began checking in. I mean there are only so many late and middle of the night calls you take from someone you love before you check in on a potential triggering date. I’m thrilled to have such a caring support system that they are thinking about me and loving me by reaching out.

9/11/11 happens to be the 10 years to the date that something transformational happened in my life. While it created mainly positive changes in my life, I know that there are still challenges to overcome.

This year, I woke up with my loving partner at my side, happy. Everything went right that day. Strangers beamed love-filled smiles at me, I got tickets for my friends and I to go to an event that sold out way before the desire to attend was sated, my partner and I saw an apartment last minute and were told by the evening that we could have it. It is a day where everything went right, with just a little angst.

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