A camp mate of mine from Burning Man killed himself this week. Some of the thoughts that went through my mind:
Why did I step away from Facebook? (I would have known sooner.)
Why didn’t I ask Chris, etc. who had died? (I would have known sooner.)
A profound grief sent me bawling this morning loudly into my husband’s nice, clean work shirt up to that point where the phlegm was so thick that I couldn’t breathe. I was heaving so hard trying to that I almost threw up.
Empty of tears for a moment I thought back to the spiritual work that I’ve been doing over the years for guidance. The prevalent theme recently has been focusing on remaining in the NOW.
The theory is that there is only every one time that you are in and it is now. The past happened and the future will but the only thing that you can make changes to is now.
So here I am, blowing my snotty nose in the now and thinking about my friend. Now it doesn’t matter that I didn’t know he was sad. I just didn’t. It doesn’t matter when I found out. I found out. While deep friendships are formed at events like Burning Man in crazy short periods of time, ours had and most likely would have remained as a part of that community due to physical distance. So what was it that was bothering me here in the now?
I had a conversation with a family member within the past week who was depressed. In the time I was worried about them and while I said a lot and didn’t censor myself, I didn’t share the concern that they might get to the point that Zach had. Realizing this as being a part of the crying jag today, I said something.
What is it we regret at the end of life? Not doing something. Not saying how you felt when it was important. Perhaps my lesson in this and the emotional release is connected to the ways I’ve hurt myself in the past by not sharing my feelings, intuition, knowledge when it was important. I’m taking from this don’t hold back when you feel the need to share even if it is saying I love you to a stranger.
Another lesson I’ve been connecting more deeply with is the practice of having love and compassion for all sentient beings. So for all sentient beings that are affected by Zach’s death, I love you. For all those who are going through their own growing challenges in life, I love you. I hold you all in compassion and love now.
I’m just a woman who is seeking to cope with the loss of a friend that thought my thoughts might be helpful to someone.