I used to pretend that when I took my dog out we were going for a walk. To me this was a structured thing. I had in my imagination that we’d go out and walk briskly. Then at some point the dog would take one break to pee and another to poo and then we’d continue along our route briskly returning home.
I quickly found out that I was wrong, which you probably already knew. Instead my daily walks looked more like a time for my puppy and now dog to sniff everything in sight. Repeatedly. For extended periods of time. Sometimes we’d find ourselves in the same spot for several minutes. When I let him he can wax poetic with a stick or a flower sniffing until he gets a glazed look in his eyes, looking intoxicated by the object before him and all its smells. When I remember how happy it makes him and can shake myself out of my schedule and how many minutes I have before I need to leave I take the time and notice the world around me as well. Continue reading “Going For A Sniff”
A camp mate of mine from Burning Man killed himself this week. Some of the thoughts that went through my mind:
Why did I step away from Facebook? (I would have known sooner.)
Why didn’t I ask Chris, etc. who had died? (I would have known sooner.)
A profound grief sent me bawling this morning loudly into my husband’s nice, clean work shirt up to that point where the phlegm was so thick that I couldn’t breathe. I was heaving so hard trying to that I almost threw up.
Empty of tears for a moment I thought back to the spiritual work that I’ve been doing over the years for guidance. The prevalent theme recently has been focusing on remaining in the NOW.
The theory is that there is only every one time that you are in and it is now. The past happened and the future will but the only thing that you can make changes to is now.
So here I am, blowing my snotty nose in the now and thinking about my friend. Now it doesn’t matter that I didn’t know he was sad. I just didn’t. It doesn’t matter when I found out. I found out. While deep friendships are formed at events like Burning Man in crazy short periods of time, ours had and most likely would have remained as a part of that community due to physical distance. So what was it that was bothering me here in the now?
I had a conversation with a family member within the past week who was depressed. In the time I was worried about them and while I said a lot and didn’t censor myself, I didn’t share the concern that they might get to the point that Zach had. Realizing this as being a part of the crying jag today, I said something.
What is it we regret at the end of life? Not doing something. Not saying how you felt when it was important. Perhaps my lesson in this and the emotional release is connected to the ways I’ve hurt myself in the past by not sharing my feelings, intuition, knowledge when it was important. I’m taking from this don’t hold back when you feel the need to share even if it is saying I love you to a stranger.
Another lesson I’ve been connecting more deeply with is the practice of having love and compassion for all sentient beings. So for all sentient beings that are affected by Zach’s death, I love you. For all those who are going through their own growing challenges in life, I love you. I hold you all in compassion and love now.
I’m just a woman who is seeking to cope with the loss of a friend that thought my thoughts might be helpful to someone.
Written in November ’12 and apparently I forgot to press publish… This is profoundly entertaining to me because of the topic. It is also entertaining because I’m in the process of launching my Indiegogo Campaign and I’m trying to make things happen there too… Hmm maybe I need to listen to myself. Let it flow.
The rumble of impending despair.
Have you ever had one of these days? You know the ones where you wake up and slowly one by one everything begins to go wrong? Well I’ve had one of those in fact I’m having one of those. Phone issues – trying to get to meetings that I’m running late for only to get stuck behind 4 – yes 4 – dirt movers. The dirt movers to me are any massive tractor that I can’t see over and that only goes 10 miles per hour. Obviously this was not a recipe to get to where you are going on time.
Some days I wonder if I’ve had this day solely so that I can blog about it. Hmm. Let me think about that really – did I have a crappy enough day that I’m feeling the urge to blog about it right after feeling like I really wanted to write but couldn’t get inspired? Uh Oh . I did this to myself.
What really struck me and what I wanted to write about though was not screwing oneself by imagining something bad into being, nor was it the meh day itself, but the reminder that I got of my time in Haiti.
I arrived in Haiti one month after the earthquake and stayed for three weeks. While there I did what was needed. In life I have typically defined my role very specifically, but there I did what was needed. Sometimes that was having a conversation with someone, other times it was meditating. I translated at UN meetings, and helped with design plans for sustainable communities. I held babies and got them food. Basically I lived and was helpful where possible.
Things in Haiti took longer than I expected then to. This was typical always. Yes I really meant to emphasize that always is not just an overstatement it was the actual state of things. I learned through my time there to remove my expectations and simply be in the moment. Because of this I suffered from far fewer frustrations.
While I believe that we often create the conflict that we need in order to grow, sometimes that lesson isn’t easily learned. In Haiti, I was practicing presence and being. It felt wonderful. Leading back to today’s lesson. Perhaps what I should have done was simply be aware that I was running behind and enjoy the time I was in instead of trying to force things that obviously were only going to happen when they were ready.
During my studies at Goddard College they encouraged us to spend time looking at who we were. During that time I felt that I became more deeply connected with my spiritual side, beginning to live it as my life more and more every day.
Years later I find myself continually drawn to increasing my connection with my own spirituality and making sure that this has a front and center place with the work that I am doing. It is important to me that my work increases my connection with my spirituality and that my spirituality brings to my work benefits as well.
It was as this connection deepened that the conversation around forming Women & Spirit in Business began with Karen Ribeiro, Shalini Bahl, and Val Nelson while sitting around a table at Essalon Cafe in Hadley. Continue reading “Women & Spirit in Business”
One of the ways I’ve brought my spirituality to work is through meditation. Not only a technique for connecting with the self at a fundamental level, this calming, grounding activity is also a helpful way to start meetings, get centered before brainstorming a new project, and just about anything you’d like to do well.
There are many spiritual paths that teach a form of meditation. Choose one and see how it works for you. The most important aspect is giving the brain the time to reset so that your thoughts can be more clear.
Living in Two Worlds: Or how the current system sucks so I’m choosing Love.
I often feel like I’m living in two different worlds.
In one, I’m expected to dress the part so others know how to judge me. If I’m married it must be to a man, I have to wear two rings – one encrusted with a large diamond (or more) to demonstrate the value placed on my by my husband. In this world the brand and cut of my clothing matters and uniformity is key, unless you are wearing a well known designer’s unique line because that indicates money. In this world that I went to a private high school matters. It also matters which school. In this world when I show up to a business meeting my apparent young age is an issue. So is the fact that I am a woman. I’m treated differently. So I’ve learned over the years to conform, like a chameleon blending in to the surroundings. I had learned how to listen and move within the surrounding culture while at the same time living my personal life as who I truly am. Continue reading “Living in Two Worlds”